*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
You Might Also Like
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
School be like
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.