Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You Might Also Like
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult