I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
🌱🌱🌱
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Put the is in disheveled
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.