[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
From my Mom
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Oh boy, $150,000!
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today