I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
this will hang in the louvre one day
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
quarantine day 3
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
At an art museum and I thought this was art