[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
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They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.