if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.