I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body