[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
*mops up wine with cat*
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.