There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
When news reporters do sports stories
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.