You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.