[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace