when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
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A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I hope Alan is OK
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.