You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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Breaking news:
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.