Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
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She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.