My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
You Might Also Like
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9