If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
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Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I’ve had relationships like this
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.