Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL