My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
No, he would not have.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together