“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.