When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“no gods no masters” = leo
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad