She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*