If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Has there ever been a more American story?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.