I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.