Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
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Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.