The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Barbie gone wild
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.