I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?