For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.