I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
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Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.