I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her