My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
You Might Also Like
Tuesday
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
PLOT TWIST:
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?