6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
mechanics be like
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??