I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.