One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.