[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.