Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”