Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
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Spa day..😅
how to market bottled water to dads
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
This is my bus stop.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.