I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me when my alarm goes off
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Ugh but profoundly
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”