Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
getting corrected
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
this is literally a CIA plant
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Shower sex be like:
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.