Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
You Might Also Like
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends