Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Body by cheese-puffs.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.