[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
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Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
True
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.