If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.