Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?