Me trying to reach for my goals
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I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Thank you corporation very cool
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
they finally got him. they got macavity
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me