Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers