When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Liquor Store Parking
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.