Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”