hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?