I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.